dear t

i miss you. there was a chance, i didnt take it, but i could have kissed you. you were the one who showed me how to truly live by conquering my fears. the years that have passed make up for a hopeful future that may last. the connection between us hasnt been severed because when we were together i felt as though the flame never weathered. i wont ask for you to stay because i know youll always be there, no matter where, no matter the distance in mentality or geographically. i know youve told me many times before, and i havent exxactly told you, but i want you to know because i partly feel like i owe it to you. but a part of me will always be with you, and you in me like the halves of the seashells we have. those fossils are meant to last like a ship that never cast into the sea. the sea of longing will always crash and flow, but as long as you know this, i will always love you too.

sasquatch

its the small things

On Sunday was girls night with Veronica, Jansine, Ashley, Mandy, and I. We had original plans to go to WannaB's karaoke bar, but another girl decided to celebrate her birthday there. At first, it stopped us from going. Our alternatives failed, so we ended up singing our hearts out in front of strangers, dancing, and pigging out a little. It was so much fun! The girl ended up celebrating her birthday and we only sang one song in front of her before we had to leave. After Veronica and Jansine departed, Mandy, Ashley and I had a short adventure at walmart, met up with Arlene then I kidnapped Veronica and Jansine so they could spend the night with us at Ashley's. We sang karaoke for like 2-3 hours, had sonics, and attempted to watch a movie before falling asleep around 4. We're weenies. At sonic's I found a little green worm on my window, hence the recording of the creature before placing it out the window somewhere. Arlene left, but it was still the five of us and two twin beds. Ashley slept on the crack and I was on my back the whole night sleeping in between her and Veronica. It was a good day/night.

I also took down the posters in my room and replaced them with paper cranes! Yay. I had a photoshoot with Lovelyn, and I'm excited for those pictures to be posted. In the mean time I'll leave you with a teaser in the next post.

Until we meet again

This is Trevor. We were best friends since the second grade. He now lives in Florida and is part of one of the top four rugby teams in the nation. Oya.

Days inn

The two childhood lovers were sitting outside in a brightly lit stairwell in a dingy hotel. Outside the confines of the concrete walls there was a thunderstorm; the abrupt flashes and bangs didn't halt their conversation. With each minute that ticked by, the seconds of departure was drawing near.

The two hadn't seen each other in months and in the time of their absence, much has changed physically and mentally. After the previous encounter, the girl decided to cut the ties and move on from their friendship. However, after hearing that he was back in town for a sports related event, the numbers were re-dialed and the connection was rekindled.

The two held a conversation that competed with a live boxing match that was streaming on the hotel t.v. The door was propped open to let the humid air circulate, but it also welcomed security that was performing a check up on the hotel. Afterwards, the door was shut and the innocent alone time was interrupted by teammates popping their head in, people asking the whereabouts of the others, and finally his roommates. They were kind, high, and hilarious, but once the drugs in their bodies reached as high as they could go, a silence fell over the room save for the t.v.

The two left the awkward silence and stared out of the balcony and into the view of the pouring rain, strip of forest, and nearby highway.

"The most romantic sight," he sarcastically called it.

They sought refuge from the rain in the stairwell where she sat two steps higher than him in order to achieve a sense of height and authority since he was almost a foot taller than her. It began to rain harder, and she didn't feel the slightest desire to abandon his company. When it was time to leave, she arose and walked down the four flights of stairs while he followed suit.

Before getting to the first floor, he stopped her and had her stand a step or two higher than him so they could finally be at the same height for after all those years. It was refreshing; his cool green eyes pulled her into an embrace, one that reminded her of their first hug since they were children four years ago. Somehow, she felt herself fit nicely. They embraced each other for quite some time and the girl made sure to take in his scent. While still enveloped in his arms, the boy-carried her onto the sidewalk before they embraced each other one last time before the girls departure. They knew what they wanted from each other. They both questioned the possibility in the advancement of their current state. They both longed for each other. But the first act past the boundary of friendship was not initiated by either, so the goodbye felt half-empty.

He waited for her to drive off before returning to his room. While waving goodbye, they still looked at each other with the same intensity as was in the past. And she asked herself, "Does love ever die?"

What do you have left to lose?

What do I have left to lose?
Why don't I give you a chance?

Time.
I can't take you seriously.
Why would I invest time in someone who is on a completely different page than me?
Why don't you get it?

today i am lazy

sometimes i dont even know why i try

winding roads

The beach- Sandbridge in particular- is the best place to think and unwind. Nothing beats the beach. I took the long way with Theresa and got lost in Pungo, but the route was scenic, and I felt like gas wasn't wasted. The salty and gentle breeze calms me; the sound of the crashing waves soothes me. I'd love to sleep at the beach one day. Afterwards we ate dinner at Tida Thai. I had mild red curry with tofu. It was gooood. Today was much needed for the both of us. I think I'm going to start going to the beach as often as possible.

voices

Yesterday was such a beautiful day. I jogged around the neighborhood and went to the park in Salem Lakes. The dogwood flowers are in bloom, and the petals of the flowers drift in the wind and collect on the pavement like fresh snow. I was running from bees and went on the swing for a while. It was indeed refreshing. After I cleaned myself up I went to Town Center and treated myself to an iced Coffee Toffee Blend while writing a letter for my sister for her retreat this weekend. I skipped class to hang out with my sister because she heard voices saying her name when she was alone at home. It wasn't the first time it happened, but she went outside and screamed and she said the neighbors were looking at her. We discovered a park and little island and went to Croatan. Upon our arrival at the beach, the shore looked foggy and misty. It cleared out and there were quite a few surfers out. The water is still freezing at this time of year, too. We went to Rite Aid to pick out wind chimes because it is believed to repel evil spirits. We ended up picking a seashell wind chime. Though it doesn't make as much noise as the typical wind chime, it was a pretty little addition to our home. I'm glad I got to spend time with my sister like that, and it was the first time I skipped class this semester.

it was warm

1. On Saturday, Mandy, Jansine, Ashley, and I didn't know where to go, so we foolishly climbed the treacherous steps on Mt. Trashmore on the gloomiest day of the week and stood at the top for a few seconds before finally deciding to just go to the mall. It was nicer earlier in the day, but that soon changed once the clouds started to roll in. We made a round of purchases, Ashley and Jansine got piercings by Arlene, and we stayed at the kiosk Arlene worked at until she finished closing. Then she drove us back to Mandy's car. Arlene went her own way and the four of us went to Taco Bell where Ashley encountered an unecessary and rude currency transaction between one of my best friends now-ex's and one of my former interests haha. I guess green just makes you green. Jansine and I were stranded at Taco Bell during their mishap. Oh yeah, that day was weird. I kept on seeing people I was thinking about that day. Including Johnny like 4 times after I mentioned the fact that I saw him. Irony. My spanish is broken. Note to self, botas means BOOTS, not lips.

2. Hung out with Masco since it was his spring break from VCU. We ate at Johnny Rockets and had Vanilla Coke which is something I rarely drink. After doing some shopping we watched Project X. CRAY. At first it started off as a normal party I would see myself at, but it just turned out to be really. funny.

3. It was a nice day, so I went to the Oceanfront with Wendy.

4. On Tuesday we had another girls day with Jansine, Veronica, Ashley, and Arlene. The first two are a pair of best friends, so are Ax2, and we were just missing Mandy. We had lunch outside of Panera and went to Macarthur Mall. We dropped off Veronica at a church but took pictures in front of this cool looking tree I pointed out. I looked fat in those pictures though, ugh. I need to lose my tummy. We then fooled around at the Target in Military Circle. After Arlene went home, Jansine, Ashley and I made a quick run at Walmart. I dropped off Jansine and Ashley and met up with Mandy, Lizzy, Grae, and Tyrone at Taco Bell where I didn't eat anything. But it was nice being around them. I went to Mandy's after and we ate home made fried chicken and rice, watched hilarious videos, and got started on Hana Kimi, which I just finished today. It was just like old times.

6. Yo Mama's yogurt: Pina Colada with lychee and mango poppers, fresh fruit, etc. Perfect combination. Wendy kept on hitting the table and we were laughing so hard and causing some commotion to the point where the owner resisted the urge to turn around and look at us. Afterwards we picked up Audrey from her family restaurant and headed to my ex,ex, Kirby's, where we played a VERY LONG round of Clue with Daniel, Spencer, Audrey, Wendy, and Kim. Kirby, Nghia, Luke, and Ronnie were playing something else. I was exhausted. It was nice sitting on the floor and listening to good music. Rarely happens. But that night I think people got wasted at Ronnies. Not my thing, so Wendy and I headed home.

7.. Horses on the beach. It was beautiful. Maybe one day my prince charming will show up on a horse on the beach and we can ride off into the sunset. Wouldn't that be dandy?

overdue spring break recap

1. Ended my spring break at a late night diner with my best friend. 3 cups of coffee and much needed quality time.
2/3. After my coworker's baby shower the last Saturday of spring break I had a lovely dinner date with my sister at Tida Thai. I had some Pad Thai and she had Crab Fried Rice. Honestly, fried rice> pad thai.
4. The sunset after being stuck in tunnel traffic from Portsmouth to Norfolk. The drive there with my friends was exactly what I was craving. Loud obnoxious music and screaming our lungs out to our hearts content.
5-9. Went to the Children's Museum in downtown Portsmouth. Though we went through everything in about 2-3 hours, it was a blast! It was nice feeling like a kid again, and it was appropriate. We took a short walk downtown, and there are so many places I made a mental note to try. I haven't been there since I was in second grade, and I forgot how fun it was to be there. It's funny how there were mock grocery stores and towns since we're old enough to go to the real ones.

The pictures aren't in order so hmm.
3/5: I had plans to get breakfast with Angelo, but my dad's car had a flat so I had to drive him around. We had lunch at Ihaw Ihaw, and it was pretty alright. When my sister got home we were supposed to see a movie with my dad, but I ended up going to Barnes and Nobles with her to get some coffee, Candy by Mian Mian, and a journal for her and Kevin.

3/6: I tagged along with Tim to drop his mom off at work. I love the trip to the Ghent area of Norfolk. It's real scenic, and I wish I had a good camera to capture all of the beauty I saw. We picked up Queenie and I surprised her, then we got the Lagarlies and headed to Yukai Buffet. I ate so much, it's not even funny. We jammed in Guitar Center, and it was lovely hearing Queenie and Tim play together. I've always loved her voice since the first time I heard her sing about three years ago. It was soothing to the point where I almost fell asleep. I was playing around on a keyboard with this cool setting and when Jeffrey played a song from Spirited Away, the rest of us were literally blown away to the point where we knelt on the ground and clutched our hearts. He's so talented, the whole group is. We then dropped off Queenie at her bible study and I chilled with the rest of the people at Target. It honestly wasn't my thing, but I basked in those moments as best as I could. It's always nice hanging out with Tim though.

3/7: I had breakfast with Veronica and we had SO MUCH FOOD, but it was great! Waffles, sausages, pork and turkey bacon, hash browns, nutella, idek man. But we met up at Karl's with everyone and headed to downtown Portsmouth. We were singing along to one of Shania Twain's albums at the top of our lungs, and it felt so refreshing. My favorite exhibitions at the museum was the little show room where we dressed up and played around with the stage scenery, and the dancing room. We got stuck in rush hour traffic and went to this hot dog place in ODU's university village. It was nice spending time with everyone.

3/8. It was an interesting afternoon, then I worked.

3/9. The usual errands with mama, Cracker Barrel for lunch, work, and I can't remember hah.

3/10. Awkward baby shower for Vicky. I felt out of place, and I didn't know there were such things as baby shower games. It was interesting, though. Then I had dinner with my sister.

3/11. First Choir practice! Then I worked.

It was sort of meh spring break but it was nice while it lasted.

I give you my first love

What if my first love was my last and my only? I thought it would last of course, I gave him everything. I always tell myself that everything happens for a reason. The person he became was unhealthy, and I didn't want to stick around for that. But what if I did? Would I still feel whole? Even now, I feel less whole. I have given myself away a few times, and I'm scared that by the time I find my soulmate, I'll be less of who I really am. My "true love" will only be able to love pieces of me because I've been giving myself away. I am not pure. There will always be a part of me that is ashamed, but then again I say that things happen for a reason.

For the most part, I have forgiven myself. Is culture to blame, the commonality of the dating game? It seems like we date several people to test the compatibility and leave when things don't seem to match up. The main reason for courting is for marriage. It isn't necessarily the same when it comes to dating, now is it? If it isn't, then why waste time with someone you know you aren't going to marry? Years, months, weeks, days?

Relationships are supposed to be taken seriously. Responsibilities are attached to the label, and it's a heavy burden at this age. My peers are so caught up in finding "the one" and having boyfriends. It's cute and all, but it's sickening at the same time.

I've decided not to be in a relationship until I want to settle because face it, being in a relationship means settling. You risk your independence and you eventually mold yourself with that person. Dreams, futures, everything. You lose a sense of who you are. And when its over, so are you. The connection and relationship is all you know, and when its gone, what do you do? You start over to find yourself and get your shit together.

And that's where I am right now. I am terrified of falling in love again. Of surrendering myself to an ocean of deep feelings for someone. Of giving my all. Of giving myself.

I can't take back what I have given away, and all I can do now is cherish what I have left before the final goodbye.

spring break

technical day one:
i'm bored
i've been reading and writing all day and i have no desire to clean my room and i ate so much and had lots of coffee. what is my life. whyd i have to consume so much cheese

last week

1. No meat on Fridays, which means having to flock to a seafood restaurant for meals if we're too lazy to cook. We (family and I) were originally supposed to go to Red Lobsters, but it was too crowded. We went to our favorite local seafood restaurant instead: Lucky Oysters! Whenever I go with my family, we always have calamari and she crab soup. Of all the calamari and she crab soup I've had in the beach, which is a lot, Lucky's surely beats them all. I had fish tacos, and I wasn't disappointed at all. They also had live entertainment which composed of two dude singers and a guitar. I recognized all of the songs since most of them could be heard on FM99. It was nice dancing in my chair, bobbing my head, and eating fried corn.

2. My spring break started on Thursday after public speaking. Before heading to work, I treated myself to a neopolitan frapp from starbucks! What a nice way to kick off the break. Sigh

3. At the time I tried this number on, I wasn't sure if I should have purchased it or not. I ended up buying it because it fit me perfectly. The shoulder pads don't even look to bad on my petite frame. Look forward to an outfit post widdat sometime dis week.

4. Wednesday was another "adventure" with Ashley. Okay, not really. There was just a sudden thunderstorm and it was flooding everywhere. We went thrifting and took a nap in Yoga Class. I guess it was relaxing.

This week is spring break and my plans were sort of ruined today due to a flat tire on my dad's car. It shouldn't be too bad today. I had lunch with him and we're about to watch a movie with my sister when she gets home. (EDIT; jkjk It's raining so I'll probably stay indoors today.) I'll try not to plan out this week too much and suffer from dissapointment hah. Though this week is my first college spring break, there's not much to look forward too. The weather is bleak and is going to stay like this for the rest of the week, I think. Hopefully it brightens up a little and I won't have to spend my time reading sad books and have my feels all over the place.

My life is boring right now lolol.