I give you my first love
What if my first love was my last and my only? I thought it would last of course, I gave him everything. I always tell myself that everything happens for a reason. The person he became was unhealthy, and I didn't want to stick around for that. But what if I did? Would I still feel whole? Even now, I feel less whole. I have given myself away a few times, and I'm scared that by the time I find my soulmate, I'll be less of who I really am. My "true love" will only be able to love pieces of me because I've been giving myself away. I am not pure. There will always be a part of me that is ashamed, but then again I say that things happen for a reason.
For the most part, I have forgiven myself. Is culture to blame, the commonality of the dating game? It seems like we date several people to test the compatibility and leave when things don't seem to match up. The main reason for courting is for marriage. It isn't necessarily the same when it comes to dating, now is it? If it isn't, then why waste time with someone you know you aren't going to marry? Years, months, weeks, days?
Relationships are supposed to be taken seriously. Responsibilities are attached to the label, and it's a heavy burden at this age. My peers are so caught up in finding "the one" and having boyfriends. It's cute and all, but it's sickening at the same time.
I've decided not to be in a relationship until I want to settle because face it, being in a relationship means settling. You risk your independence and you eventually mold yourself with that person. Dreams, futures, everything. You lose a sense of who you are. And when its over, so are you. The connection and relationship is all you know, and when its gone, what do you do? You start over to find yourself and get your shit together.
And that's where I am right now. I am terrified of falling in love again. Of surrendering myself to an ocean of deep feelings for someone. Of giving my all. Of giving myself.
I can't take back what I have given away, and all I can do now is cherish what I have left before the final goodbye.
For the most part, I have forgiven myself. Is culture to blame, the commonality of the dating game? It seems like we date several people to test the compatibility and leave when things don't seem to match up. The main reason for courting is for marriage. It isn't necessarily the same when it comes to dating, now is it? If it isn't, then why waste time with someone you know you aren't going to marry? Years, months, weeks, days?
Relationships are supposed to be taken seriously. Responsibilities are attached to the label, and it's a heavy burden at this age. My peers are so caught up in finding "the one" and having boyfriends. It's cute and all, but it's sickening at the same time.
I've decided not to be in a relationship until I want to settle because face it, being in a relationship means settling. You risk your independence and you eventually mold yourself with that person. Dreams, futures, everything. You lose a sense of who you are. And when its over, so are you. The connection and relationship is all you know, and when its gone, what do you do? You start over to find yourself and get your shit together.
And that's where I am right now. I am terrified of falling in love again. Of surrendering myself to an ocean of deep feelings for someone. Of giving my all. Of giving myself.
I can't take back what I have given away, and all I can do now is cherish what I have left before the final goodbye.
Labels: stream of consciousness
posted by ericano at
1:38 AM
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